contemplation (leave them)

tw; suicide, depression

hi <3

so i wrote this a few months into quarantine. it’s probably the simplest instrumentation i’ve released so far, because really i wanted this to be more of a letter / apology. not only those willing to listen but to a couple of specific people in and out of my life during that time.

lockdown came for me during a time i was already grappling with quite a few personal relationships (more on those in later songs) and trying to figure out what i wanted to do with my life. producing an album for the first time and prepping for a string of live events that were cancelled.

it took a lot for me to release this one … a lot of encouragement from those of you on instagram and in the discord server especially, so thank you for that. i promised yeaaars ago that when it came to my music i would write about things i really felt. outside of the obvious stories (coughsmokesandmirrorscough) and collabs / commissions, i’ve always written about what i’ve really experienced. sometimes it doesn’t come out in a way that i’m proud of, but it’s the truth.

i’m ashamed that my ‘truth’ and the way i feel most often is so depressing. i’m sitting on so many songs that are honest, but i don’t think they’re very trendy or .. good, tbh, they’re just how i feel and how i’m driven to convey that musically regardless of genre or what’s expected of me. and i feel guilty for that. i want to put out happier music but i don’t think i can force myself to write about it - if i have a breakthrough moment i want it to be genuine and to be able to tell you truthfully how i was able to heal.

i wrote it last year but this state of mind has circled back around a few times since then, it’s one i’m familiar with. i feel like i’m at a crossroads, again, trying to figure out if i’m going to give it my all or bow out … and i wrote this sort of to express that state of contemplation and indecisiveness. i’m beyond lucky and thankful to have you here in my life, i don’t want you to take any of this the wrong way .. when i think about leaving it’s only because i don’t feel like there’s a place for me, or that i have anything of value to offer. as i continue to share more of myself, i feel it’s inevitable i’ll lose a lot of you too. ‘i know you don’t need me, you could always just leave me. ‘ sometimes i think it’d be better to leave before that happens.

i really do try to look at the brighter side of things and reassure myself, but there’s always that nagging and i feel closer to giving up that i ever have. i just feel tired.

i haven’t been watching a lot of anime, so i haven’t been covering it much - i really can’t force myself to cover things i know are popular but i’ve never seen or don’t enjoy. i try to do songs that are highly requested regardless but there’s not much consensus these days about what you’d like to hear from me.

when it comes to what i want? i think i just want to purge all of these feelings i’ve been sitting on. i feel bad that my original music is gloomy, and i haven’t done much in terms of creative stories or concepts lately - it’s all just fEeLiNgS .. but thank you so much for being here with me. for listening, for empathizing if you can and for letting me express myself, i don’t know what i would do without some way of getting out of my head and sharing what i’m dealing with. it did take a few conversations with you guys, but i think you’re right and it’s better that i release what’s been on my heart even if i’m worried about disappointing everyone.