anxious-attachment (antidote)

back in 2017 i released a song titled ‘Poison (Thanks for Nothing) ‘, an edm/alt pop track about a strained platonic relationship with a ’poisonous’ caregiver.

‘Antidote (Only Hope)’ is the sequel - now exploring a romantic (equally poisonous) dynamic and attachment styles.

i write from experience what it feels like for me to be anxiously attached to someone after a childhood filled with ‘Poison’.
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those of you around for a while know i’ve been in and out of a toxic relationship for the past 10 years (some other originals about them = IDWK, When it Rains, Upon a Twilight, Heaven - and i think my most popular cover inspired by the relationship was Thanatos -If I Can’t Be Yours-) .. well, that ended more concretely than ever about 10 months ago. we no longer live together and are on opposite ends of the country.

this song is about someone(s) i was interested in after that. or maybe less about them and more about that dreadful realization that ‘oh, i’m getting attached again’, and the overwhelming feeling of anxiety that floods my system the moment i realize i’m becoming dependent on someone for connection. i go to embarrassing lengths to keep most people at a distance, it’s always felt extremely difficult to let my guard down and to trust someone .. and i find i tend to be attracted to people with avoidant attachment style. they feed into each other in a terrible way. i get needy and they tend to freak out and ‘abandon’ or ‘reject’ me and it reinforces the feeling that everyone i try to love and trust will eventually leave or become angry / annoyed with me during our closeness since i can be intense.

it’s not something i’m unaware of, but it seems even going into a relationship or friendship self aware and being honest and open about these things leaves me in the same spot. people reassure me that they don’t mind, that they’re ‘there’ and they can’t see how anyone would get tired of me until they do. so .. what’s the point. it feels like maybe i’m just too broken a person to not continue isolating myself, and everyone is better off without me. it feels like i can only maintain superficial connections because anything deeper winds up being chaos for everyone involved

in Antidote, i explore that initial realization of ‘i think i really need you’, if you leave it will destroy me - so i’ll do anything to keep you happy. there’s also a line that’s really important to me, ‘i never thought i’d be this sick’ .. because i didn’t realize how deep it ran or what the exact pattern was. but how can you grow up surrounded by abuse and poison, experience it again in your chosen relationships and not wind up with toxic patterns? i’m always looking for the ‘cure’. the thing - the person who will magically find me one day, understand me, share compassion and love with me and whisk me away from what i was born into. that’s unreasonable to put on anyone else, it’s not gonna happen for me, and it’s my responsibility to prioritize healing and identify boundaries. so i’ve got some work to do.

musically - i really wanted more of an ‘arena’ sound with the shredding guitars and stomping beat. i infused the melody of poison into the outro with a synth reminiscent of the original. the musical shift in the second verse was meant to represent the altered state of mind

i felt Posion was very personal, almost an angry farewell letter ... but if i could summarize the character of Antidote i would say it’s more of a pleading, desperate conversation with someone (or something, anything if you catch the double meaning of epiphany and some other metaphors throughout the song) i want to trust.

i don’t think it ‘feels’ quite the same as it’s sister song, but it’s not meant to emulate that - it’s meant to capture a completely different moment in time in my life, somewhere far from poison and the realization that it’s still here despite that attempted distance from the source. it’s supposed to strike like lightning from a quiet conversation with a lover - a sickening realization, a desperate plea and crippling fear hitting me all at once.

i wonder what the next one will be like? we’ll see where life takes me

up until the song drops i may find myself coming back to add more thoughts, thank you for reading my rambles 🖤