a love letter to the algorithm (unrequited)

i wrote this song back in March 2022 mostly as a little vent-bop about feeling a little (or a lot) out of place these days. i’m not sure where i fit in as a content creator sometimes, especially recently.

’Unrequited’ is written as a love song, but it’s actually about my relationship with social media and the almighty ~algorithm~.

i love music, i love content creating, but i don’t always feel like it ‘loves me back’. most times i just feel like a failure.

social media is wild.

it doesn’t always matter how much effort is put into something or how objectively ‘good’ something is. what matters most is engagement (what gets people talking) and activity (how often you send content out). platforms want consistent content creation for a clear demographic. then, so long as you’re active (usually), you’ll be heavily recommended to that demographic over and over again.

right now i’m creating sporadically, and i don’t even know what the ‘target audience’ is. i guess i’m creating for anyone with an appreciation for music and art of all types, but also who isn’t afraid to pick apart some uncomfortable feelings.

from the start that’s what’s always meant the most to me. writing about honest feelings and then connecting with those who empathize, relate, have thoughts and insights. so these days i’m always letting my heart guide me when it comes to what i sing and put out there.

in the past, i would grind a lot in the anime-cover-realm and then every once in a while i would slip in an original or super obscure song that meant a lot to me personally but in 2017 my drive to do the covers really wilted because i had gone through so many heavy things back to back in life so i guess the more superficial things that used to feel at least ‘fun’ to do just .. i don’t know. i feel disillusioned with a lot since then, and i’m having trouble enjoying the things i used to.

even though i really want to join in and be involved and excited about the same things most people seem to be hype for

back in 2017 i started thinking more and more about my mortality in way that had me asking the question “okay .. when i’m gone, what do i actually want left behind?" and it was not, even a little bit, anime covers 🫣

i want a catalogue of releases written from the heart, about my real self, life, experiences. i think i could be satisfied with leaving more of that behind even if it may not ‘do numbers’

obviously i have creative ideas too, that are less about how i feel and more about world building or playing a character, but i don’t think i’ll be ready to dive into those until i’ve written a few more songs to cope with my offline reality. i just hope someone’s still listening when i get back to that kind of creating.

in ‘Unrequited’, i’m thinking back to when i felt like my channel had more momentum and i was seeing a lot of growth. the first verse of the song takes place in a ‘hall of fame’, where i’m walking past my greatest hits. in the second verse, i picked the recently released songs that have performed the worst on my channel.

i’m writing about how i feel rejected unless i’m doing ‘what you want’, and even then i know i can’t ‘match the competition’, but can’t seem stop performing for the public.

"my favorite pastime - is chasing validation,
do something that you like,
feels like i can’t be stopped“

the ending to this line was originally ‘i feel like i’m a god’ but i thought that was a little extra even for me ☠️ i just wanted to convey how hard it is to lose so much momentum from someone who was really caught up in the numbers game and chasing trends at one point, and what an addictive cycle that is.

even if i’ve improved and am a little prouder of what i can do now, if i can’t move as fast as i used to just spending a few days on a project, i feel i may lose everything i’ve built.

it’s kinda hard to release things knowing they won’t do well. so i guess i do ‘mind it’, unlike the song states, but i’m going to stay on my path regardless.

i’m beyond thankful to those who show up for it. i don’t mean to only focus on what i’m lacking and take for granted what i still have and what a lovely, unique little community we’ve built together.

this pastel world world of mine is our creation 🍰🌸✨

it just sucks a bit to have the self awareness of what i could be or maybe should be doing to succeed more in a business sense and increase numbers, but having no genuine desire to do it! at least not yet?

even though i of course want to succeed too, between succeeding in an undeniably apparent way and being satisfied with what i’m leaving behind, i have to go with the latter for myself.

it just sucks that they aren’t one in the same right now, and i’ve spoken to many others who have the same dilemma when it comes to the arts and content creation so this is for them too.

the beginning line ‘how come you act like you don’t see me? i’m always here’ is about how even though my uploads are slow, i’m still around, working. anyone who knows me in person knows it’s all i do (and i don’t really know how to stop 🤪).

so whether i’m uploading on youtube or not much right now, i’m out here training my voice, learning new skills and practicing. i just want to get better. i want to keep improving. for what? who knows, maybe i’ll never really get to use these ‘skills’ practically, but i’m here.

musically, this time, i experimented with more ‘synth-pop’ elements. if i’m honest with you idk what the genre is, do you have any idea?

i just wanted something i could twerk to even though i’m feeling sad about it. i also wrote it ahead of my Momocon performance and wanted something upbeat at the end of my setlist since it was pretty somber.

visually - i experimented with 3D elements and animation, which i was actually really proud of. i redid the main art twice and am still not entirely happy with it but i think this version is an improvement.

ultimately, i wanted ‘Unrequited’ to acknowledge my lost momentum, the fact that i’m doing things in a weird way when compared to my peers, but also that i will always love creating and as long as i live - even if releases take a while (though i’m trying hard to return at least a bit more consistently from this health hiatus) or are kind of in their own little weird category without much promotion, i’ll always come back and put my heart out there again.

maybe i’ll find my way back to enjoying the things that used to bring me so much happiness, or i’m exactly where i’m meant to be and the work i’ve done to improve and learn new skills will pay off someday.

alternatively .. the momentum will never come back, i won’t grow much anymore, but i’ll leave behind a handful of music that meant a lot to me and can maybe help at least one person not feel so alone.

thanks for listening and thanks for reading!